"Less Slow" Food

Mmm. Urine ham. I mean, yurun ham.









So, my last entry may have sounded a little crabby. This resulted from a combination of my entry into China being truly miserable and the fact that I was watching an episode of House while I was writing. I think some sarcasm may have rubbed off, though I will warn everyone that some of that sarcasm/cynicism is natural, so you can still expect more of that in the future. Sorry.

Anyway, I know a lot of people want to know about the food here in China. To tell the truth, I haven’t had as much “Chinese food” as maybe I should have considering I’m in China. Actually, I’ve had a fairly international sampling while I’ve been here. I’ve been to several Japanese restaurants so far, a German restaurant, and a couple of Chinese places. To date, the Japanese food has been the best, but I’m not sure I’ve been to the best Chinese restaurants here yet. One of the Chinese restaurants I’ve been to here supposedly served “Muslim” food, according to my fellow teacher anyway. That consisted of some pretty good lamb kabob and a few other dishes that I enjoyed. I have had a few really good meals here and there in Chinese restaurants, mostly involving fried rice and fried beef.

One thing they do here that can be hard to find in the US is something called “hot pot.” This is where you and your friends sit around a big pot of boiling broth and order whatever food you want to throw in it. I think I’ve actually had this somewhere before and seem to recall enjoying it a lot. However, when I had it a few days ago in Suzhou, we were eating with some other people that were staying in our hostel and they had various food allergies and preferences. This resulted in our only getting beef and a bunch of vegetables, which was okay, but also semi-ruined the meal because you can usually have so much more.

Surprisingly, I’ve also been to a German restaurant. I had Munich sausage with some mashed potatoes. I thought it was fairly good for a German restaurant that happens to be located in China. (Note: European shopping centers and restaurants are popping up here more frequently because of all the German and other European manufacturing companies that have built factories in Wuxi, bringing European workers with them) The Japanese places I’ve been to have also been very good. I had a really good fried beef and cheese dish today with mushrooms that were covered in some sweet sauce as an appetizer. I thought it was really good, but then again, I’m told I’m not exactly distinguishing in my tastes. There are also a lot of Italian restaurants here. I guess Chinese people really like pizza or something. This is the only explanation I can think of to explain this, other than the fact that Italian food is just awesome. The pizza is actually pretty decent, so I really can’t complain.

As far as the meals that I don’t eat in restaurants, I get most of that food from the supermarket down the street. It’s pretty convenient and the store has a fair amount of Western food as well. I actually made pancakes the other day with some mix that the last guy who lived in my apartment left in the cupboard. I like to wander through the store trying to figure out what everything is, predictably with mixed success. I’ve made it an unofficial policy of mine to buy at least one thing whose identity as a food item is completely unknown to me. I’ve only come up with a package that had some noodles and mystery meat so far, but nothing really exciting or outlandish. I’ll have to start exploring different aisles I guess. I’ve made a significant effort to get Chinese food when I’m there. I usually end up with some sort of dumplings since they sell about 8,476 different kinds of dumpling here. They’re pretty good with some rice, but they don’t really have that much meat in them, so they’re not all that filling. In the meat department, I’m still at the stage where I can’t really figure out what meat is what, so I’m a little wary of buying it at this point. I did buy some spare ribs last night that turned out to be pretty good. Apparently those are a Wuxi specialty or something. I’m not sure how authentic my spare rib meal was though, since there were instructions in English on the back and I’m pretty sure a five year old could have prepared it (commensurate with my cooking ability I should add).

Probably the most interesting feature of eating over here so far is seeing the various fast food restaurants that have made their way to China. The biggest surprise to me was how huge KFC is here. I guess Chinese people just really love eating fried chicken and corn on the cob that has a stick jammed in it so you can eat it like ice cream. That reminds me, some of the ice cream here has the most terrible flavor, like corn, soy beans, or some other fruit or vegetable that has no business invading foods that actually taste good. According to comedian Brian Regan, the cranberry is the master of this technique, but I digress. Another fast food restaurant that has met with unlikely success here in China is Pizza Hut. I have to give them credit for this. Some sharp exec must have seen that their sales were flagging in the US due to competition from other pizza places that don’t make pizza that both resembles and tastes like cardboard (this means you too Domino’s). This clever guy must have thought to himself:

“Where could we move the chain of stores? The people can’t be able to distinguish between good pizza and bad pizza, so that rules out Europe. We’ll need cheap, incompetent labor to keep our costs down and maintain our substandard levels of service, so that probably means somewhere in Asia or South America. I don’t want to have to sell my yacht when I’m kidnapped by a revolutionary group or drug cartel and held for ransom, so that rules out South America. Finally, I need a country with a population large enough that our sales will still look strong even after people realize that the food they cook themselves in filthy pans and potentially toxic water is still better than what’s coming out of our kitchens. I’ve got it! China.” The logic is airtight.

Of course, I couldn’t talk about fast food without mentioning McDonald’s. One odd thing is that every McDonald’s here is located right across the street from a KFC. I’m not sure if they have a business agreement or what. Maybe one of my friends with too much time on their hands at work (I can think of at least two of you right now) can investigate this. Anyway, the food is pretty much the same at the McDonald’s here as it is in the US. It’s just the service that’s awful. The one thing you can count on at the McDonalds in the US is getting your food quickly. It won’t taste good and it will generally look as unhealthy as it really is, but at least you can get it quickly. Here in China, you can wait up to fifteen or twenty minutes for your food. The strange thing is that they keep on making other food that no one has ordered while you’re waiting for your stuff to come out. They’ll keep piling chicken sandwiches and who knows what else on the little heating area, despite the fact that no has ordered it and that you’ve just asked for something else completely. When some of the other teachers and I were there the other day, one of them said to the other, “You should get in that line, it seems to be going faster.” The response was, “If by that you mean that it’s going less slow, then yes.” That’s definitely the best way to describe it. So why do we keep going there, even when we have to wait so long for questionable food and there’s a good chance that we may be subjected to the Chinese version of “Happy Birthday” playing on a loop the entire time we’re there, prompting us to question our sanity and consider unspeakable acts of violence? Well, I go because it reminds me of home. Why do you go?